"A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
A rainbow will come shining through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true"
You might not recognize these lyrics outright...but just imagine Cinderella singing them in the classic Disney movie. Soft, mellow voice. Birds chirping in the background. It seems a bit hard to believe, right? Dreams are the stuff of fairytales.
Maybe.
That's what I grew up believing, anyhow. Did you ever wake up from a really great dream before you got the chance to finish it? I have too many times to count. And the only logical thing to do in that situation always seemed to be to go back to sleep. Usually instead of forcing the rest of the dream out though, I ended up with a blurry vision of how I wanted the dream to end. And as wonderful as it was having my fairytale ending, it wasn't nearly as exciting as seeing how it was supposed to pan out.
But maybe the dream part isn't what I'm wanting to focus on here. Maybe it's the faith part.
Hebrews 11:1 tells us:
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
It's hard to believe that Cinderella and Hebrews can relate. But maybe, just maybe, they can.
Faith is defined as complete trust or confidence in someone or something. We must have faith in order to believe that the future God has promised us is real. And it is real. God has big plans for our future, so long as we trust Him with our plans rather than try to create our own "fairytale ending."
His Word tells us that we live by faith, not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7). It also tells us that the testing of our faith produces perseverance (James 1:3).
The long-term benefits of a faithful walk with Christ might be hard to see right now. I know, for me, they are. I long so much to rush God's plans. I've always been this way. But I've also always been good at waiting, especially in the big stuff.
While Scripture says that we must have faith that God is working everything together for our good (Romans 8:28), we must also remember that it says faith without works is dead (James 2:26). So what does this mean for us? It means that just sitting around waiting, praying, living a faithful life isn't enough. It's not enough to have a dead faith with Jesus Christ. It's not enough to read your bible and go to church and pray before every meal. It's not enough to have your daily "quiet time" with God. No, faith requires action. We cannot sit around waiting for God to do something great and wonderful in our lives without giving our all towards His Kingdom in the meantime.
John Waller's song "While I'm Waiting" sums up what we are to do in the meantime...
"I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am hopeful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait
And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting, I will serve You
While I'm waiting, I will worship
While I'm waiting, I will not faint
I'll be running the race, even while I wait..."
While I'm waiting, I will be fervent in my prayers. I will learn to walk closely by His side, because I have come to the realization that a life without Him is not worth living.
I will serve Him while I wait...with my time, my actions, my life. I will go where He leads me, not out of obligation, but out of obedience - out of love.
I will be patient when I can. And whenever I cannot, I will lean on Him to get me through.
His Word reminds us:
"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."
- Romans 12:12
I will place my faith in Him and His goodness.
The thing that I want to wait on - the thing that I am hoping for, the thing that I cannot see - is not, in fact, a thing. It's a whom. The person I want to wait on has a lot of growing to do. He has a lot of potential to be the incredible man of God that I know he wants to be. But it's going to take more than just some time. It's going to take God at the center of everything in his life. And that is where I start praying and supporting him. That's where I start serving and worshiping God while I wait for what seems like a miracle...
I care about this person in a way that could be conceived as selfish. Try as I might, I want my dream to end my way. I want to hold on to what I started out with before I woke up. But in the back of my mind, I also want what's best for my friend. I want God's best for him.
I don't want to settle. I refuse to settle.
With the endless possibilities of endings to my dream, how could I rely on the one ending that I choose. It simply doesn't make sense. I must have faith that God's ending is a beautiful one. I must patiently wait, with the hope that He will provide exactly what I need (though that may not be necessarily what I want). If the Author and Perfecter is writing my story, how can it be anything but glorious?!
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Something to boast about!
I have a boyfriend.
I have a boyfriend!
I. Have. A. Boy. Friend.
I'm sorry, I'm so new to this whole relationship thing. By all common stereotypes I shouldn't be... I am a 19 year old sophomore in college. I'm not hideous; I'm fairly smart and accomplished; I actually have friends and *somewhat* normal hobbies. And yet here I am, new to relationships. More particularly male/female relationships...you know, the dating kind!
There - I said it. I've never dated a guy before. Never been in a relationship.
Oh, I've dreamed of it alright! I've dreamed and schemed about my perfect man. I've been caught up in fantasies centered on the multiple "Mr. Right's." What I was too naïve to see was that while I was busy scheming up my own plans, God was perfecting His.
And now I want to boast. This weekend, I will take my newly claimed "boyfriend," Caleb, home with me. Oh, I have big plans already. Friday night football...Saturday evening bonfire with friends and family...and then, the icing on the cake, Sunday morning church. Don't laugh at me, but for some reason my dreams have always consisted of taking my man to church with me. Maybe it's the preacher's kid in me... Or maybe it's the fact that I want to share my incredible guy with my church family. Maybe I want the folks who grew up loving on me and supporting me to see that I finally "done good."
In short, I want to boast. I want to boast about my guy.
But in all honesty, I wouldn't be calling Caleb "my guy" if it wasn't for the Lord. If I - if we - hadn't given up everything (our control, our time, our devotion, our love) to our God, this newfound relationship would be nonexistent. Or maybe it would be existent...it's possible. But it would lack Christ as the center and basis of it.
So if Christ is the center of mine and Caleb's relationship, why on earth would I not want to boast in Him?! He has given us this beautiful friendship that has grown and developed - in His time - into something much more intimate and valuable.
"...but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord."
- Jeremiah 9:24 (ESV)
Whenever I go home, I want to boast in Him. I want to boast to all my friends about what God has done in my life...in my relationship...in my heart. He has changed me so so much, in the last month alone. He has shown me undeserved grace, so why wouldn't I honor Him with my boasting?
Monday, October 29, 2012
A "yes."
A plain and simple "yes."
That's all I asked God for last night after hearing a friend of mine say that teaching is the best profession ever. I've agreed with him for a long time...but I've heard so many negative things about it that I've been steered away from it over and over again.
Yes, the public school system is very quickly getting worse. Yes, it probably will be tough to find an art teaching position at a school. Yes, I will have to transfer schools and just about start all over. But yes, I can make a difference in the lives of students by simply having a "Ms. Gore" mindset...by sharing God's love with hundreds of kids in a classroom on a daily basis.
To be honest, public schools are where love is needed the most. I would know--I was there less than a year ago myself.
Last week, at one of my lowest points, I was writing in my prayer journal. This journal has a different quote or bible verse on every page, and when I flipped to a blank page before writing, this is what I found:
"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
You are the one who'll decide where you go."
- Dr. Seuss
I know, I know...it's strange to come across a quote from Dr. Seuss that puts everything in your life into perspective. (I'm sure you were expecting an awe-inspiring verse from scripture!) But this verse really did it for me. You've heard the old cliche "God works in mysterious ways;" well, it's true!
My brain. My steps. My path. My life. My knowledge. My decision. My direction.
That's an awful lot of "my's," huh? That's what I thought too... All this time I've heard that God has a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11), and that God determines my path (Proverbs 16:9), and that God knows just what I need (Matthew 6:8). So it feels kind of contradictory to say that this decision is all mine. Because it's not all mine.
Yesterday in his sermon, my dad talked about the contradictions in the extremes of the beliefs of early Christianity. In it, he shared his view-point, a collaboration of both ideas, with the congregation: God ultimately knows what we're going to do in life, but he's given us a free will to choose. If we ask for help, he's going to give it to us...it may take some time, but our help comes from the Lord (Psalm 121:2).
So I'm not going to quit relying on God and make my decisions without consulting him first. But I am going to stop caring so much about the opinions of others and make this decision for myself. I've been blessed with two supportive parents and a wonderful church family, who happen to be praying me through each and every day of my life. No matter what I think, I'm not going to disappoint anyone. (Except maybe myself, if I don't do what I feel led to do.)
So the contradiction I felt disappeared when I read the following page of my prayer journal:
"The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand."
- Psalm 37:23-24 (NLT)
There's that encouraging scripture you've all been waiting for...and it is exactly that: encouraging! The Lord my God is directing my steps. I'm not making this decision, or any others, on my own. I've prayed and sought God's will with my whole heart. I've asked for guidance, wisdom, strength, courage, patience, and, finally, an answer.
Now, I just wonder if a "yes" can come in the form of cold chills and teary eyes...
That's all I asked God for last night after hearing a friend of mine say that teaching is the best profession ever. I've agreed with him for a long time...but I've heard so many negative things about it that I've been steered away from it over and over again.
Yes, the public school system is very quickly getting worse. Yes, it probably will be tough to find an art teaching position at a school. Yes, I will have to transfer schools and just about start all over. But yes, I can make a difference in the lives of students by simply having a "Ms. Gore" mindset...by sharing God's love with hundreds of kids in a classroom on a daily basis.
To be honest, public schools are where love is needed the most. I would know--I was there less than a year ago myself.
Last week, at one of my lowest points, I was writing in my prayer journal. This journal has a different quote or bible verse on every page, and when I flipped to a blank page before writing, this is what I found:
"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
You are the one who'll decide where you go."
- Dr. Seuss
I know, I know...it's strange to come across a quote from Dr. Seuss that puts everything in your life into perspective. (I'm sure you were expecting an awe-inspiring verse from scripture!) But this verse really did it for me. You've heard the old cliche "God works in mysterious ways;" well, it's true!
My brain. My steps. My path. My life. My knowledge. My decision. My direction.
That's an awful lot of "my's," huh? That's what I thought too... All this time I've heard that God has a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11), and that God determines my path (Proverbs 16:9), and that God knows just what I need (Matthew 6:8). So it feels kind of contradictory to say that this decision is all mine. Because it's not all mine.
Yesterday in his sermon, my dad talked about the contradictions in the extremes of the beliefs of early Christianity. In it, he shared his view-point, a collaboration of both ideas, with the congregation: God ultimately knows what we're going to do in life, but he's given us a free will to choose. If we ask for help, he's going to give it to us...it may take some time, but our help comes from the Lord (Psalm 121:2).
So I'm not going to quit relying on God and make my decisions without consulting him first. But I am going to stop caring so much about the opinions of others and make this decision for myself. I've been blessed with two supportive parents and a wonderful church family, who happen to be praying me through each and every day of my life. No matter what I think, I'm not going to disappoint anyone. (Except maybe myself, if I don't do what I feel led to do.)
So the contradiction I felt disappeared when I read the following page of my prayer journal:
"The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand."
- Psalm 37:23-24 (NLT)
There's that encouraging scripture you've all been waiting for...and it is exactly that: encouraging! The Lord my God is directing my steps. I'm not making this decision, or any others, on my own. I've prayed and sought God's will with my whole heart. I've asked for guidance, wisdom, strength, courage, patience, and, finally, an answer.
Now, I just wonder if a "yes" can come in the form of cold chills and teary eyes...
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Torn.
Torn. That is the word that describes my feelings right now. I'm torn between two different feelings, two different lives, and two different paths.
Some days, I feel free and excited about the future. That's usually when I'm out and about, surrounded by people. I spend most of those times relying on others to make me happy... But then there are other days (and nights), when I feel alone and all I want to do is go home. When I'm alone, that's when I become confused. Those are the times that I worry, and I contemplate, and I talk to God...and sometimes to anyone else who will listen to me.
Normally, I enjoy my alone-time. When I'm at home, in fact, I covet it. I like to use my time to write in my prayer journal (or blog!), read my bible, and sometimes even talk to God. I never feel alone whenever I'm alone at home. I know, it makes no sense, but it's true.
Some days, I enjoy the people who are around me here at school. I guess it's partially because I don't want to feel alone. I spend all of my time with people so that I don't have to spend it by myself. "Don't isolate yourself," people tell me...so I try to listen to their advice. And then other days I spend my time thinking about who reminds me of someone back home, or how much I miss my dad's laugh, or my mom's cooking, or my "best friend time."
I understand and realize that things can't always stay the same. But that doesn't mean I have to leave, does it?
Some days, I want to be an architect, just because it's the plan that I've had for the last year. It's the plan that I prayed about, worked for, and waited to realize for so long. It's that path that will be more enjoyable for me in school. It's the safe path. It's the path that, when completed, will grant me a comfortable and stable financial future. And yet other days, I want to jump out on a leap of faith and take the path that's filled with bumps and risks galore. I want to go to business school, bore myself through classes that aren't really my cup of tea (but will benefit me in the long run), and become an entrepreneur--something else I'm fairly confident I could be if I had all of the right means, resources and people on my side. I want to be a baker...I don't care about making lots of money or the long hours I know it would require...I just want to do something that I know I love--something that takes all my stress away--for the rest of my life.
So, here is my question...which path do I take? I can't say for sure right now, mainly because I haven't heard from my primary decision-maker yet. But this is basically my plea to him...
"I'm feeling terrible—I couldn't feel worse!
Get me on my feet again. You promised, remember?
When I told my story, you responded;
train me well in your deep wisdom.
Help me understand these things inside and out
so I can ponder your miracle-wonders.
My sad life's dilapidated, a falling-down barn;
build me up again by your Word.
Barricade the road that goes Nowhere;
grace me with your clear revelation.
I choose the true road to Somewhere,
I post your road signs at every curve and corner.
I grasp and cling to whatever you tell me;
God, don't let me down!
I'll run the course you lay out for me
if you'll just show me how."
- Psalm 119:25-32 (MSG)
I'm asking my God to show me the way...and I'm assuring him and everyone around me that I won't hesitate to accept whatever his plan is for my life.
That doesn't mean I'm giving up on what I've accomplished thus far--because I'm not. But I'm testing the waters, and making my way down my current path, with the knowledge that there could be detours along it.
Some days, I feel free and excited about the future. That's usually when I'm out and about, surrounded by people. I spend most of those times relying on others to make me happy... But then there are other days (and nights), when I feel alone and all I want to do is go home. When I'm alone, that's when I become confused. Those are the times that I worry, and I contemplate, and I talk to God...and sometimes to anyone else who will listen to me.
Normally, I enjoy my alone-time. When I'm at home, in fact, I covet it. I like to use my time to write in my prayer journal (or blog!), read my bible, and sometimes even talk to God. I never feel alone whenever I'm alone at home. I know, it makes no sense, but it's true.
Some days, I enjoy the people who are around me here at school. I guess it's partially because I don't want to feel alone. I spend all of my time with people so that I don't have to spend it by myself. "Don't isolate yourself," people tell me...so I try to listen to their advice. And then other days I spend my time thinking about who reminds me of someone back home, or how much I miss my dad's laugh, or my mom's cooking, or my "best friend time."
I understand and realize that things can't always stay the same. But that doesn't mean I have to leave, does it?
Some days, I want to be an architect, just because it's the plan that I've had for the last year. It's the plan that I prayed about, worked for, and waited to realize for so long. It's that path that will be more enjoyable for me in school. It's the safe path. It's the path that, when completed, will grant me a comfortable and stable financial future. And yet other days, I want to jump out on a leap of faith and take the path that's filled with bumps and risks galore. I want to go to business school, bore myself through classes that aren't really my cup of tea (but will benefit me in the long run), and become an entrepreneur--something else I'm fairly confident I could be if I had all of the right means, resources and people on my side. I want to be a baker...I don't care about making lots of money or the long hours I know it would require...I just want to do something that I know I love--something that takes all my stress away--for the rest of my life.
So, here is my question...which path do I take? I can't say for sure right now, mainly because I haven't heard from my primary decision-maker yet. But this is basically my plea to him...
"I'm feeling terrible—I couldn't feel worse!
Get me on my feet again. You promised, remember?
When I told my story, you responded;
train me well in your deep wisdom.
Help me understand these things inside and out
so I can ponder your miracle-wonders.
My sad life's dilapidated, a falling-down barn;
build me up again by your Word.
Barricade the road that goes Nowhere;
grace me with your clear revelation.
I choose the true road to Somewhere,
I post your road signs at every curve and corner.
I grasp and cling to whatever you tell me;
God, don't let me down!
I'll run the course you lay out for me
if you'll just show me how."
- Psalm 119:25-32 (MSG)
I'm asking my God to show me the way...and I'm assuring him and everyone around me that I won't hesitate to accept whatever his plan is for my life.
That doesn't mean I'm giving up on what I've accomplished thus far--because I'm not. But I'm testing the waters, and making my way down my current path, with the knowledge that there could be detours along it.
Monday, August 6, 2012
I'm So Scared.
It's difficult to dissect the jumble of thoughts and emotions that are running through my head right now. I can tell you that there is uncertainty, question and fear in my mind, all of which are seemingly normal for a person who's about to experience what I am - college. But the one thing I question is whether or not I'm supposed to cry this much.
I've cried myself to sleep three of the last four nights. I've woken up with various degrees of swollen eyes to hide. I even cried for the first time in public at church on Sunday...into my best friend's arms. We shed our tears together. I'm not an overly sensitive person. I cry during sad parts of movies or when I see people whom I'm close to cry. I call myself a sympathetic crier...it makes sense, right?
The college I'm leaving for in less than a week is two hours away from home, and already I feel like I'm packing up my life for good. Just looking at all of the boxes and bags full of stuff - anything from plates to pillows to batteries - makes me sick to my stomach. I can barely make eye-contact with my mom, dad or younger sister anymore for fear that I might start crying, or that they'll be able to see my swollen eyes.
I haven't even left and I miss them already. Especially my baby sister - the pain in my side for so long. We've done basically everything together for the majority of our lives, and as much as we say we dislike each other or can't wait for me to leave, I can't stand to leave her. There are so many things I'm going to miss about her... Our ukulele jam-sessions, telling her to "swim fast and don't be last" before every swim meet, riding home from school with her in the afternoons and talking about our day, all of our inside jokes...heck, I might even miss her snooping into all my business! I hurt inside whenever I try to make these last few days count.
And of course I'm going to miss my parents too. Yes, a little freedom and independence will be nice, but it scares me to think of what I'll do on my own. Forget the laundry, cooking, and fixing broken things - I could do any of that on my own...but it's the simple, everyday contact that I'm going to miss. There's not going to be anyone around in college to eat dinner with me, ask me about my day, or say prayers with me at night. That part scares me.
And as I was writing this just awhile ago with tears rolling down my face, one of the members of my church family came to my door. Which brings me to another part of my life that I can't stand to leave - my church. This friend, who was at the hospital when I was born, just sat down and cried with me. How am I supposed to leave behind such strong relationships like the one I have with her?
In the last few days I have imagined various scenarios in my head. I've thought about trying this whole college thing out for a year, or even a semester, and seeing if I like it enough to continue. I've looked up majors at local colleges, closer to home. I've tried to picture myself in the future, and I've wondered what I really want to do with my life.
Last year this time, I had no idea. About eleven months ago, though, I decided I wanted to pursue architecture, a lifelong love of mine. Now, as I'm about to start school for that particular major, I'm continuing to have second thoughts. I've already been accepted into one of the most challenging and best architecture programs in the nation. Step one, complete. Now I wonder what I can accomplish in life as an architect. I don't want to throw away this dream of mine that I've already worked so hard to achieve, but I can't help but think, what if there's something else out there that I need, rather than want, to be doing?
I've been on several summer mission trips with my church youth group. On most of the occasions after I return home from them, I've been left feeling like I want to do something more. I've gone so far as contemplating working for summers with these mission groups. But while I know there's a great need in local communities here, I've always imagined going to foreign countries to feed a greater, global need. I've envied the various mission teams from my church as they've gone to places like Costa Rica, Argentina and Haiti. I know that going somewhere like that for a longer period of time wouldn't help my close-to-home dilemma, but wouldn't it at least make me feel like I have a purpose? Sharing God's word; working for others in His name; serving communities and providing resources that they might not otherwise receive. That all sounds pretty purposeful to me.
So why can't I do all of that while going to college? I don't know, maybe I can. But at the largest university in my state, and as liberal as it is, I find it hard to believe that it could really fit into my agenda there.
I hate questioning my own decisions when I'm so close to following through with them, but what if I have already ignored God's calling somewhere in my life? What if I was so set on these plans and considered them God's just because they were the only ones I had come up with so far? What if His purpose for me is greater than designing some buildings in a world that is continuing to become more and more critical and liberal in its thinking? Why can't I use my gifts of compassion and creativity in a greater capacity? A capacity that benefits His Kingdom.
Right now, at this point in my life, I've told myself that I have been waiting on God's timing. For awhile, it felt like His timing meshed with mine...and now it doesn't. I feel like God is telling me to wait for something even greater, because He's got something planned.
The problem is, what to do until then...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
- Jeremiah 29:11
I've cried myself to sleep three of the last four nights. I've woken up with various degrees of swollen eyes to hide. I even cried for the first time in public at church on Sunday...into my best friend's arms. We shed our tears together. I'm not an overly sensitive person. I cry during sad parts of movies or when I see people whom I'm close to cry. I call myself a sympathetic crier...it makes sense, right?
The college I'm leaving for in less than a week is two hours away from home, and already I feel like I'm packing up my life for good. Just looking at all of the boxes and bags full of stuff - anything from plates to pillows to batteries - makes me sick to my stomach. I can barely make eye-contact with my mom, dad or younger sister anymore for fear that I might start crying, or that they'll be able to see my swollen eyes.
I haven't even left and I miss them already. Especially my baby sister - the pain in my side for so long. We've done basically everything together for the majority of our lives, and as much as we say we dislike each other or can't wait for me to leave, I can't stand to leave her. There are so many things I'm going to miss about her... Our ukulele jam-sessions, telling her to "swim fast and don't be last" before every swim meet, riding home from school with her in the afternoons and talking about our day, all of our inside jokes...heck, I might even miss her snooping into all my business! I hurt inside whenever I try to make these last few days count.
And of course I'm going to miss my parents too. Yes, a little freedom and independence will be nice, but it scares me to think of what I'll do on my own. Forget the laundry, cooking, and fixing broken things - I could do any of that on my own...but it's the simple, everyday contact that I'm going to miss. There's not going to be anyone around in college to eat dinner with me, ask me about my day, or say prayers with me at night. That part scares me.
And as I was writing this just awhile ago with tears rolling down my face, one of the members of my church family came to my door. Which brings me to another part of my life that I can't stand to leave - my church. This friend, who was at the hospital when I was born, just sat down and cried with me. How am I supposed to leave behind such strong relationships like the one I have with her?
In the last few days I have imagined various scenarios in my head. I've thought about trying this whole college thing out for a year, or even a semester, and seeing if I like it enough to continue. I've looked up majors at local colleges, closer to home. I've tried to picture myself in the future, and I've wondered what I really want to do with my life.
Last year this time, I had no idea. About eleven months ago, though, I decided I wanted to pursue architecture, a lifelong love of mine. Now, as I'm about to start school for that particular major, I'm continuing to have second thoughts. I've already been accepted into one of the most challenging and best architecture programs in the nation. Step one, complete. Now I wonder what I can accomplish in life as an architect. I don't want to throw away this dream of mine that I've already worked so hard to achieve, but I can't help but think, what if there's something else out there that I need, rather than want, to be doing?
I've been on several summer mission trips with my church youth group. On most of the occasions after I return home from them, I've been left feeling like I want to do something more. I've gone so far as contemplating working for summers with these mission groups. But while I know there's a great need in local communities here, I've always imagined going to foreign countries to feed a greater, global need. I've envied the various mission teams from my church as they've gone to places like Costa Rica, Argentina and Haiti. I know that going somewhere like that for a longer period of time wouldn't help my close-to-home dilemma, but wouldn't it at least make me feel like I have a purpose? Sharing God's word; working for others in His name; serving communities and providing resources that they might not otherwise receive. That all sounds pretty purposeful to me.
So why can't I do all of that while going to college? I don't know, maybe I can. But at the largest university in my state, and as liberal as it is, I find it hard to believe that it could really fit into my agenda there.
I hate questioning my own decisions when I'm so close to following through with them, but what if I have already ignored God's calling somewhere in my life? What if I was so set on these plans and considered them God's just because they were the only ones I had come up with so far? What if His purpose for me is greater than designing some buildings in a world that is continuing to become more and more critical and liberal in its thinking? Why can't I use my gifts of compassion and creativity in a greater capacity? A capacity that benefits His Kingdom.
Right now, at this point in my life, I've told myself that I have been waiting on God's timing. For awhile, it felt like His timing meshed with mine...and now it doesn't. I feel like God is telling me to wait for something even greater, because He's got something planned.
The problem is, what to do until then...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
- Jeremiah 29:11
Friday, August 3, 2012
What's the point in having regrets?
In one week, I won't be sitting in this bedroom. The same room that I've slept in nearly every night for my entire life...the same room that I have always proudly called "mine"...the same room with the bright purple paint that's been on the walls since my tenth birthday, almost exactly eight years ago. Nope, not this room. One week from now, I will be sitting in "my" new room...a dorm room at N.C. State University. I'll be sitting there, most likely with tears in my eyes (just like I have now), because my family will have just left me in my new "home" to head back to my old home. This home.
I'm a homebody. And, as I was recently told by a friend, I just happened to have been blessed with the ability to succeed. I know, it's completely possible to be successful in life without a college diploma...but, for me, college somehow just seals the deal. It's the thing that I've worked for my whole high school career.
So tonight, as I sit here worrying about my future, I'm also thinking about my past. Not so much my childhood, but rather the more immediate memories. Mainly from last summer, and my senior year. And these memories lead me to regrets. Not from things I did wrong, but things that I should have done right. Things that perhaps would've made me happier now.
Last summer I became close to a church friend who was two years younger than me. He was funny, entertaining, sweet, caring, and, most importantly to me, he loved the Lord. I'll admit now that back then there were times when his maturity-level dropped, but I attributed it to his age and it never seemed to phase me then. I was attracted to him, but because I was the "mature preacher's daughter" I was too worried about what others might think to ever act on my impulses and do something about my attraction. So I resorted to distractions...for myself, mainly. Other guys, school, homework and lame excuses filled my conversations with him. I thought, he's two years younger than me, so why even bother?
There were nights when my mind swam in circles trying to get over him. And once I finally did, I learned the truth. A couple months later, probably near December, I shared what I'd been hiding for so long - my feelings. And then he shared his...which happened to be identical to mine. He had a girlfriend then, and we were both over it though, so we said. The past was the past, right?
We talked on and off throughout the rest of the school year, but we were never the same kind of close that we used to be. I was graduating, and he still had another two years of school after I left.
A couple weeks ago, though, we talked for the first time since I graduated. I don't know what sparked that conversation (probably my nagging guilt), but I immediately felt regrets for everything that had happened - or rather, not happened between us. I wished all at once that I could re-live the past year...make it include him. My head spun with things I would've done differently:
Gone out to eat with him and his mom at the little restaurant across the railroad tracks from my house, all the times he asked me to go. Tutored him in Algebra 2 when he told me he needed help, knowing that I passed the same class with the same teacher with an A the year before. Stopped and talked to him (and maybe even given him a hug and a kiss!) in between 2nd and 3rd blocks everyday of my last semester instead of walking by without so much as making eye-contact. Picked him up for that swim meet he wanted to go to instead of making excuses. Taken him to prom with me, and actually had a good time there. Gone to all of his baseball games just to support him.
I expressed all of these things to him, and his reply was simple: "All of that's behind us now...we just have the future." I was kind of astonished that he could feel that way, dropping all my regrets so quickly. His maturity-level had gone up significantly since the previous summer, and we both seemed to realize that everything could have been different, had I not been scared of the opinions' of others. So many things in my life could be different right now even, if I hadn't been so worried.
The thing is, though, at any moment I could have changed this. He would've welcomed me back with open arms if I had asked for him to. But I didn't...not until just a few weeks ago. And although I've been feeling like it's too late for grace, because I won't be here in a week, I know I'm wrong. It's never too late to change your mind when someone who loves you unconditionally is willing to take you back as you are.
A friend asked me what was so special about this particular guy, to which I replied, "We've gone on so many youth trips together that he's gotten the chance to see me at my worst - in the mornings. He knows how grumpy I am then, and he likes me anyways."
Do you see my parallel now? Jesus will always welcome us back into His Kingdom when we have gone astray. There's no working to be better; past regrets don't even matter in His eyes; lame excuses don't phase Him. It doesn't matter how far off-course we have gone in the past, He can still look at us and say, "All of that is behind you now." All God sees is the future - a future in which He wants only the best for His children! Through our flaws and dysfunctions, His love for us is unconditional. How beautiful is that?!
I'm a homebody. And, as I was recently told by a friend, I just happened to have been blessed with the ability to succeed. I know, it's completely possible to be successful in life without a college diploma...but, for me, college somehow just seals the deal. It's the thing that I've worked for my whole high school career.
So tonight, as I sit here worrying about my future, I'm also thinking about my past. Not so much my childhood, but rather the more immediate memories. Mainly from last summer, and my senior year. And these memories lead me to regrets. Not from things I did wrong, but things that I should have done right. Things that perhaps would've made me happier now.
Last summer I became close to a church friend who was two years younger than me. He was funny, entertaining, sweet, caring, and, most importantly to me, he loved the Lord. I'll admit now that back then there were times when his maturity-level dropped, but I attributed it to his age and it never seemed to phase me then. I was attracted to him, but because I was the "mature preacher's daughter" I was too worried about what others might think to ever act on my impulses and do something about my attraction. So I resorted to distractions...for myself, mainly. Other guys, school, homework and lame excuses filled my conversations with him. I thought, he's two years younger than me, so why even bother?
There were nights when my mind swam in circles trying to get over him. And once I finally did, I learned the truth. A couple months later, probably near December, I shared what I'd been hiding for so long - my feelings. And then he shared his...which happened to be identical to mine. He had a girlfriend then, and we were both over it though, so we said. The past was the past, right?
We talked on and off throughout the rest of the school year, but we were never the same kind of close that we used to be. I was graduating, and he still had another two years of school after I left.
A couple weeks ago, though, we talked for the first time since I graduated. I don't know what sparked that conversation (probably my nagging guilt), but I immediately felt regrets for everything that had happened - or rather, not happened between us. I wished all at once that I could re-live the past year...make it include him. My head spun with things I would've done differently:
Gone out to eat with him and his mom at the little restaurant across the railroad tracks from my house, all the times he asked me to go. Tutored him in Algebra 2 when he told me he needed help, knowing that I passed the same class with the same teacher with an A the year before. Stopped and talked to him (and maybe even given him a hug and a kiss!) in between 2nd and 3rd blocks everyday of my last semester instead of walking by without so much as making eye-contact. Picked him up for that swim meet he wanted to go to instead of making excuses. Taken him to prom with me, and actually had a good time there. Gone to all of his baseball games just to support him.
I expressed all of these things to him, and his reply was simple: "All of that's behind us now...we just have the future." I was kind of astonished that he could feel that way, dropping all my regrets so quickly. His maturity-level had gone up significantly since the previous summer, and we both seemed to realize that everything could have been different, had I not been scared of the opinions' of others. So many things in my life could be different right now even, if I hadn't been so worried.
The thing is, though, at any moment I could have changed this. He would've welcomed me back with open arms if I had asked for him to. But I didn't...not until just a few weeks ago. And although I've been feeling like it's too late for grace, because I won't be here in a week, I know I'm wrong. It's never too late to change your mind when someone who loves you unconditionally is willing to take you back as you are.
A friend asked me what was so special about this particular guy, to which I replied, "We've gone on so many youth trips together that he's gotten the chance to see me at my worst - in the mornings. He knows how grumpy I am then, and he likes me anyways."
Do you see my parallel now? Jesus will always welcome us back into His Kingdom when we have gone astray. There's no working to be better; past regrets don't even matter in His eyes; lame excuses don't phase Him. It doesn't matter how far off-course we have gone in the past, He can still look at us and say, "All of that is behind you now." All God sees is the future - a future in which He wants only the best for His children! Through our flaws and dysfunctions, His love for us is unconditional. How beautiful is that?!
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Chapter 6: "College"...
So in my last post, I talked a lot about friends. Well, tonight I want to reiterate on that topic. I used a Nicholas Sparks quote that compared people in our lives to characters in a book. So now I want to compare not characters, but times and situations to the many chapters of a book.
You've most likely heard it said more times than you can count: that old bit about starting a new chapter in life. If it's been said once, it's been said many times over, and in numerous ways.
That old symbolic chapter is the division between old and new, youth and maturity, inexperience and experience. It divides different ages, walks and even leaps of faith. And just like in books, the number of chapters in peoples' lives vary greatly from person to person.
For example, I have very few chapters in my life right now. There's the first one, my childhood and naivety. Then there's the second, my pre-teen years when I had an attitude and I didn't care who saw it! Sometimes there's a pretty clear divide between chapters, and other times one flows smoothly into the next. I've always felt that the best stories are the ones that leave you in suspense at the end of one chapter while you're waiting for the next to begin. As I started high school, my third chapter started as well. And then another one began when I got my license...that's one of those chapters that I think everyone has, because it's such a momentous time in people's lives. I think it's safe to say that I started a fifth chapter in life when I became a senior in high school and "senioritis" kicked in less than six months ago. And now I sit here waiting for this chapter to come to a smooth close and make way for the much-anticipated chapter called "college."
Where I'll go, who I'll meet, what I'll do...those are all questions that will be answered as the pages in my story progress. I do know one thing for certain, and that is that I will never forget those key characters who have continously remained a part of my life's story. Those people will follow me well into the next chapter of my life simply because my story wouldn't be complete without them.
So, why the need for this huge metaphor, and what does it have to do with God or my faith?? Well, I'll tell you why... I feel like this subject is one that's been stressing and scaring me a good bit in my life lately, and through that stress and anxiety, God has purposefully calmed my heart.
As I lay in bed the other night worrying about this new chapter in my life, a voice in my head quoted word-for-word a verse that I love but don't necessarily know from memory, Philippians 4:6:
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
Yup, that's right...that was God telling me to put my trust in Him and (oh my goodness!) not be anxious! But it didn't stop there... I Googled this verse (because let's face it, Google is a gift from God) and look at what comes right after it...
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
- Philippians 4:6 & 7
So not only is God telling me to throw all my burdens on His shoulders, but He's also saying that when I do that, I will be so at peace that I won't even know what's hit me!
And so that's exactly what I did. And it feels so peaceful to have this huge weight just lifted right off of my shoulders. Up until Tuesday night, I had never really been able to comprehend the way that the Lord so mysteriously works in our lives...but now I can. Now I see that when He wants us to hear His voice He makes it heard. And how wonderful it is to hear...
You've most likely heard it said more times than you can count: that old bit about starting a new chapter in life. If it's been said once, it's been said many times over, and in numerous ways.
That old symbolic chapter is the division between old and new, youth and maturity, inexperience and experience. It divides different ages, walks and even leaps of faith. And just like in books, the number of chapters in peoples' lives vary greatly from person to person.
For example, I have very few chapters in my life right now. There's the first one, my childhood and naivety. Then there's the second, my pre-teen years when I had an attitude and I didn't care who saw it! Sometimes there's a pretty clear divide between chapters, and other times one flows smoothly into the next. I've always felt that the best stories are the ones that leave you in suspense at the end of one chapter while you're waiting for the next to begin. As I started high school, my third chapter started as well. And then another one began when I got my license...that's one of those chapters that I think everyone has, because it's such a momentous time in people's lives. I think it's safe to say that I started a fifth chapter in life when I became a senior in high school and "senioritis" kicked in less than six months ago. And now I sit here waiting for this chapter to come to a smooth close and make way for the much-anticipated chapter called "college."
Where I'll go, who I'll meet, what I'll do...those are all questions that will be answered as the pages in my story progress. I do know one thing for certain, and that is that I will never forget those key characters who have continously remained a part of my life's story. Those people will follow me well into the next chapter of my life simply because my story wouldn't be complete without them.
So, why the need for this huge metaphor, and what does it have to do with God or my faith?? Well, I'll tell you why... I feel like this subject is one that's been stressing and scaring me a good bit in my life lately, and through that stress and anxiety, God has purposefully calmed my heart.
As I lay in bed the other night worrying about this new chapter in my life, a voice in my head quoted word-for-word a verse that I love but don't necessarily know from memory, Philippians 4:6:
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
Yup, that's right...that was God telling me to put my trust in Him and (oh my goodness!) not be anxious! But it didn't stop there... I Googled this verse (because let's face it, Google is a gift from God) and look at what comes right after it...
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
- Philippians 4:6 & 7
So not only is God telling me to throw all my burdens on His shoulders, but He's also saying that when I do that, I will be so at peace that I won't even know what's hit me!
And so that's exactly what I did. And it feels so peaceful to have this huge weight just lifted right off of my shoulders. Up until Tuesday night, I had never really been able to comprehend the way that the Lord so mysteriously works in our lives...but now I can. Now I see that when He wants us to hear His voice He makes it heard. And how wonderful it is to hear...
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