Torn. That is the word that describes my feelings right now. I'm torn between two different feelings, two different lives, and two different paths.
Some days, I feel free and excited about the future. That's usually when I'm out and about, surrounded by people. I spend most of those times relying on others to make me happy... But then there are other days (and nights), when I feel alone and all I want to do is go home. When I'm alone, that's when I become confused. Those are the times that I worry, and I contemplate, and I talk to God...and sometimes to anyone else who will listen to me.
Normally, I enjoy my alone-time. When I'm at home, in fact, I covet it. I like to use my time to write in my prayer journal (or blog!), read my bible, and sometimes even talk to God. I never feel alone whenever I'm alone at home. I know, it makes no sense, but it's true.
Some days, I enjoy the people who are around me here at school. I guess it's partially because I don't want to feel alone. I spend all of my time with people so that I don't have to spend it by myself. "Don't isolate yourself," people tell me...so I try to listen to their advice. And then other days I spend my time thinking about who reminds me of someone back home, or how much I miss my dad's laugh, or my mom's cooking, or my "best friend time."
I understand and realize that things can't always stay the same. But that doesn't mean I have to leave, does it?
Some days, I want to be an architect, just because it's the plan that I've had for the last year. It's the plan that I prayed about, worked for, and waited to realize for so long. It's that path that will be more enjoyable for me in school. It's the safe path. It's the path that, when completed, will grant me a comfortable and stable financial future. And yet other days, I want to jump out on a leap of faith and take the path that's filled with bumps and risks galore. I want to go to business school, bore myself through classes that aren't really my cup of tea (but will benefit me in the long run), and become an entrepreneur--something else I'm fairly confident I could be if I had all of the right means, resources and people on my side. I want to be a baker...I don't care about making lots of money or the long hours I know it would require...I just want to do something that I know I love--something that takes all my stress away--for the rest of my life.
So, here is my question...which path do I take? I can't say for sure right now, mainly because I haven't heard from my primary decision-maker yet. But this is basically my plea to him...
"I'm feeling terrible—I couldn't feel worse!
Get me on my feet again. You promised, remember?
When I told my story, you responded;
train me well in your deep wisdom.
Help me understand these things inside and out
so I can ponder your miracle-wonders.
My sad life's dilapidated, a falling-down barn;
build me up again by your Word.
Barricade the road that goes Nowhere;
grace me with your clear revelation.
I choose the true road to Somewhere,
I post your road signs at every curve and corner.
I grasp and cling to whatever you tell me;
God, don't let me down!
I'll run the course you lay out for me
if you'll just show me how."
- Psalm 119:25-32 (MSG)
I'm asking my God to show me the way...and I'm assuring him and everyone around me that I won't hesitate to accept whatever his plan is for my life.
That doesn't mean I'm giving up on what I've accomplished thus far--because I'm not. But I'm testing the waters, and making my way down my current path, with the knowledge that there could be detours along it.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Monday, August 6, 2012
I'm So Scared.
It's difficult to dissect the jumble of thoughts and emotions that are running through my head right now. I can tell you that there is uncertainty, question and fear in my mind, all of which are seemingly normal for a person who's about to experience what I am - college. But the one thing I question is whether or not I'm supposed to cry this much.
I've cried myself to sleep three of the last four nights. I've woken up with various degrees of swollen eyes to hide. I even cried for the first time in public at church on Sunday...into my best friend's arms. We shed our tears together. I'm not an overly sensitive person. I cry during sad parts of movies or when I see people whom I'm close to cry. I call myself a sympathetic crier...it makes sense, right?
The college I'm leaving for in less than a week is two hours away from home, and already I feel like I'm packing up my life for good. Just looking at all of the boxes and bags full of stuff - anything from plates to pillows to batteries - makes me sick to my stomach. I can barely make eye-contact with my mom, dad or younger sister anymore for fear that I might start crying, or that they'll be able to see my swollen eyes.
I haven't even left and I miss them already. Especially my baby sister - the pain in my side for so long. We've done basically everything together for the majority of our lives, and as much as we say we dislike each other or can't wait for me to leave, I can't stand to leave her. There are so many things I'm going to miss about her... Our ukulele jam-sessions, telling her to "swim fast and don't be last" before every swim meet, riding home from school with her in the afternoons and talking about our day, all of our inside jokes...heck, I might even miss her snooping into all my business! I hurt inside whenever I try to make these last few days count.
And of course I'm going to miss my parents too. Yes, a little freedom and independence will be nice, but it scares me to think of what I'll do on my own. Forget the laundry, cooking, and fixing broken things - I could do any of that on my own...but it's the simple, everyday contact that I'm going to miss. There's not going to be anyone around in college to eat dinner with me, ask me about my day, or say prayers with me at night. That part scares me.
And as I was writing this just awhile ago with tears rolling down my face, one of the members of my church family came to my door. Which brings me to another part of my life that I can't stand to leave - my church. This friend, who was at the hospital when I was born, just sat down and cried with me. How am I supposed to leave behind such strong relationships like the one I have with her?
In the last few days I have imagined various scenarios in my head. I've thought about trying this whole college thing out for a year, or even a semester, and seeing if I like it enough to continue. I've looked up majors at local colleges, closer to home. I've tried to picture myself in the future, and I've wondered what I really want to do with my life.
Last year this time, I had no idea. About eleven months ago, though, I decided I wanted to pursue architecture, a lifelong love of mine. Now, as I'm about to start school for that particular major, I'm continuing to have second thoughts. I've already been accepted into one of the most challenging and best architecture programs in the nation. Step one, complete. Now I wonder what I can accomplish in life as an architect. I don't want to throw away this dream of mine that I've already worked so hard to achieve, but I can't help but think, what if there's something else out there that I need, rather than want, to be doing?
I've been on several summer mission trips with my church youth group. On most of the occasions after I return home from them, I've been left feeling like I want to do something more. I've gone so far as contemplating working for summers with these mission groups. But while I know there's a great need in local communities here, I've always imagined going to foreign countries to feed a greater, global need. I've envied the various mission teams from my church as they've gone to places like Costa Rica, Argentina and Haiti. I know that going somewhere like that for a longer period of time wouldn't help my close-to-home dilemma, but wouldn't it at least make me feel like I have a purpose? Sharing God's word; working for others in His name; serving communities and providing resources that they might not otherwise receive. That all sounds pretty purposeful to me.
So why can't I do all of that while going to college? I don't know, maybe I can. But at the largest university in my state, and as liberal as it is, I find it hard to believe that it could really fit into my agenda there.
I hate questioning my own decisions when I'm so close to following through with them, but what if I have already ignored God's calling somewhere in my life? What if I was so set on these plans and considered them God's just because they were the only ones I had come up with so far? What if His purpose for me is greater than designing some buildings in a world that is continuing to become more and more critical and liberal in its thinking? Why can't I use my gifts of compassion and creativity in a greater capacity? A capacity that benefits His Kingdom.
Right now, at this point in my life, I've told myself that I have been waiting on God's timing. For awhile, it felt like His timing meshed with mine...and now it doesn't. I feel like God is telling me to wait for something even greater, because He's got something planned.
The problem is, what to do until then...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
- Jeremiah 29:11
I've cried myself to sleep three of the last four nights. I've woken up with various degrees of swollen eyes to hide. I even cried for the first time in public at church on Sunday...into my best friend's arms. We shed our tears together. I'm not an overly sensitive person. I cry during sad parts of movies or when I see people whom I'm close to cry. I call myself a sympathetic crier...it makes sense, right?
The college I'm leaving for in less than a week is two hours away from home, and already I feel like I'm packing up my life for good. Just looking at all of the boxes and bags full of stuff - anything from plates to pillows to batteries - makes me sick to my stomach. I can barely make eye-contact with my mom, dad or younger sister anymore for fear that I might start crying, or that they'll be able to see my swollen eyes.
I haven't even left and I miss them already. Especially my baby sister - the pain in my side for so long. We've done basically everything together for the majority of our lives, and as much as we say we dislike each other or can't wait for me to leave, I can't stand to leave her. There are so many things I'm going to miss about her... Our ukulele jam-sessions, telling her to "swim fast and don't be last" before every swim meet, riding home from school with her in the afternoons and talking about our day, all of our inside jokes...heck, I might even miss her snooping into all my business! I hurt inside whenever I try to make these last few days count.
And of course I'm going to miss my parents too. Yes, a little freedom and independence will be nice, but it scares me to think of what I'll do on my own. Forget the laundry, cooking, and fixing broken things - I could do any of that on my own...but it's the simple, everyday contact that I'm going to miss. There's not going to be anyone around in college to eat dinner with me, ask me about my day, or say prayers with me at night. That part scares me.
And as I was writing this just awhile ago with tears rolling down my face, one of the members of my church family came to my door. Which brings me to another part of my life that I can't stand to leave - my church. This friend, who was at the hospital when I was born, just sat down and cried with me. How am I supposed to leave behind such strong relationships like the one I have with her?
In the last few days I have imagined various scenarios in my head. I've thought about trying this whole college thing out for a year, or even a semester, and seeing if I like it enough to continue. I've looked up majors at local colleges, closer to home. I've tried to picture myself in the future, and I've wondered what I really want to do with my life.
Last year this time, I had no idea. About eleven months ago, though, I decided I wanted to pursue architecture, a lifelong love of mine. Now, as I'm about to start school for that particular major, I'm continuing to have second thoughts. I've already been accepted into one of the most challenging and best architecture programs in the nation. Step one, complete. Now I wonder what I can accomplish in life as an architect. I don't want to throw away this dream of mine that I've already worked so hard to achieve, but I can't help but think, what if there's something else out there that I need, rather than want, to be doing?
I've been on several summer mission trips with my church youth group. On most of the occasions after I return home from them, I've been left feeling like I want to do something more. I've gone so far as contemplating working for summers with these mission groups. But while I know there's a great need in local communities here, I've always imagined going to foreign countries to feed a greater, global need. I've envied the various mission teams from my church as they've gone to places like Costa Rica, Argentina and Haiti. I know that going somewhere like that for a longer period of time wouldn't help my close-to-home dilemma, but wouldn't it at least make me feel like I have a purpose? Sharing God's word; working for others in His name; serving communities and providing resources that they might not otherwise receive. That all sounds pretty purposeful to me.
So why can't I do all of that while going to college? I don't know, maybe I can. But at the largest university in my state, and as liberal as it is, I find it hard to believe that it could really fit into my agenda there.
I hate questioning my own decisions when I'm so close to following through with them, but what if I have already ignored God's calling somewhere in my life? What if I was so set on these plans and considered them God's just because they were the only ones I had come up with so far? What if His purpose for me is greater than designing some buildings in a world that is continuing to become more and more critical and liberal in its thinking? Why can't I use my gifts of compassion and creativity in a greater capacity? A capacity that benefits His Kingdom.
Right now, at this point in my life, I've told myself that I have been waiting on God's timing. For awhile, it felt like His timing meshed with mine...and now it doesn't. I feel like God is telling me to wait for something even greater, because He's got something planned.
The problem is, what to do until then...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
- Jeremiah 29:11
Friday, August 3, 2012
What's the point in having regrets?
In one week, I won't be sitting in this bedroom. The same room that I've slept in nearly every night for my entire life...the same room that I have always proudly called "mine"...the same room with the bright purple paint that's been on the walls since my tenth birthday, almost exactly eight years ago. Nope, not this room. One week from now, I will be sitting in "my" new room...a dorm room at N.C. State University. I'll be sitting there, most likely with tears in my eyes (just like I have now), because my family will have just left me in my new "home" to head back to my old home. This home.
I'm a homebody. And, as I was recently told by a friend, I just happened to have been blessed with the ability to succeed. I know, it's completely possible to be successful in life without a college diploma...but, for me, college somehow just seals the deal. It's the thing that I've worked for my whole high school career.
So tonight, as I sit here worrying about my future, I'm also thinking about my past. Not so much my childhood, but rather the more immediate memories. Mainly from last summer, and my senior year. And these memories lead me to regrets. Not from things I did wrong, but things that I should have done right. Things that perhaps would've made me happier now.
Last summer I became close to a church friend who was two years younger than me. He was funny, entertaining, sweet, caring, and, most importantly to me, he loved the Lord. I'll admit now that back then there were times when his maturity-level dropped, but I attributed it to his age and it never seemed to phase me then. I was attracted to him, but because I was the "mature preacher's daughter" I was too worried about what others might think to ever act on my impulses and do something about my attraction. So I resorted to distractions...for myself, mainly. Other guys, school, homework and lame excuses filled my conversations with him. I thought, he's two years younger than me, so why even bother?
There were nights when my mind swam in circles trying to get over him. And once I finally did, I learned the truth. A couple months later, probably near December, I shared what I'd been hiding for so long - my feelings. And then he shared his...which happened to be identical to mine. He had a girlfriend then, and we were both over it though, so we said. The past was the past, right?
We talked on and off throughout the rest of the school year, but we were never the same kind of close that we used to be. I was graduating, and he still had another two years of school after I left.
A couple weeks ago, though, we talked for the first time since I graduated. I don't know what sparked that conversation (probably my nagging guilt), but I immediately felt regrets for everything that had happened - or rather, not happened between us. I wished all at once that I could re-live the past year...make it include him. My head spun with things I would've done differently:
Gone out to eat with him and his mom at the little restaurant across the railroad tracks from my house, all the times he asked me to go. Tutored him in Algebra 2 when he told me he needed help, knowing that I passed the same class with the same teacher with an A the year before. Stopped and talked to him (and maybe even given him a hug and a kiss!) in between 2nd and 3rd blocks everyday of my last semester instead of walking by without so much as making eye-contact. Picked him up for that swim meet he wanted to go to instead of making excuses. Taken him to prom with me, and actually had a good time there. Gone to all of his baseball games just to support him.
I expressed all of these things to him, and his reply was simple: "All of that's behind us now...we just have the future." I was kind of astonished that he could feel that way, dropping all my regrets so quickly. His maturity-level had gone up significantly since the previous summer, and we both seemed to realize that everything could have been different, had I not been scared of the opinions' of others. So many things in my life could be different right now even, if I hadn't been so worried.
The thing is, though, at any moment I could have changed this. He would've welcomed me back with open arms if I had asked for him to. But I didn't...not until just a few weeks ago. And although I've been feeling like it's too late for grace, because I won't be here in a week, I know I'm wrong. It's never too late to change your mind when someone who loves you unconditionally is willing to take you back as you are.
A friend asked me what was so special about this particular guy, to which I replied, "We've gone on so many youth trips together that he's gotten the chance to see me at my worst - in the mornings. He knows how grumpy I am then, and he likes me anyways."
Do you see my parallel now? Jesus will always welcome us back into His Kingdom when we have gone astray. There's no working to be better; past regrets don't even matter in His eyes; lame excuses don't phase Him. It doesn't matter how far off-course we have gone in the past, He can still look at us and say, "All of that is behind you now." All God sees is the future - a future in which He wants only the best for His children! Through our flaws and dysfunctions, His love for us is unconditional. How beautiful is that?!
I'm a homebody. And, as I was recently told by a friend, I just happened to have been blessed with the ability to succeed. I know, it's completely possible to be successful in life without a college diploma...but, for me, college somehow just seals the deal. It's the thing that I've worked for my whole high school career.
So tonight, as I sit here worrying about my future, I'm also thinking about my past. Not so much my childhood, but rather the more immediate memories. Mainly from last summer, and my senior year. And these memories lead me to regrets. Not from things I did wrong, but things that I should have done right. Things that perhaps would've made me happier now.
Last summer I became close to a church friend who was two years younger than me. He was funny, entertaining, sweet, caring, and, most importantly to me, he loved the Lord. I'll admit now that back then there were times when his maturity-level dropped, but I attributed it to his age and it never seemed to phase me then. I was attracted to him, but because I was the "mature preacher's daughter" I was too worried about what others might think to ever act on my impulses and do something about my attraction. So I resorted to distractions...for myself, mainly. Other guys, school, homework and lame excuses filled my conversations with him. I thought, he's two years younger than me, so why even bother?
There were nights when my mind swam in circles trying to get over him. And once I finally did, I learned the truth. A couple months later, probably near December, I shared what I'd been hiding for so long - my feelings. And then he shared his...which happened to be identical to mine. He had a girlfriend then, and we were both over it though, so we said. The past was the past, right?
We talked on and off throughout the rest of the school year, but we were never the same kind of close that we used to be. I was graduating, and he still had another two years of school after I left.
A couple weeks ago, though, we talked for the first time since I graduated. I don't know what sparked that conversation (probably my nagging guilt), but I immediately felt regrets for everything that had happened - or rather, not happened between us. I wished all at once that I could re-live the past year...make it include him. My head spun with things I would've done differently:
Gone out to eat with him and his mom at the little restaurant across the railroad tracks from my house, all the times he asked me to go. Tutored him in Algebra 2 when he told me he needed help, knowing that I passed the same class with the same teacher with an A the year before. Stopped and talked to him (and maybe even given him a hug and a kiss!) in between 2nd and 3rd blocks everyday of my last semester instead of walking by without so much as making eye-contact. Picked him up for that swim meet he wanted to go to instead of making excuses. Taken him to prom with me, and actually had a good time there. Gone to all of his baseball games just to support him.
I expressed all of these things to him, and his reply was simple: "All of that's behind us now...we just have the future." I was kind of astonished that he could feel that way, dropping all my regrets so quickly. His maturity-level had gone up significantly since the previous summer, and we both seemed to realize that everything could have been different, had I not been scared of the opinions' of others. So many things in my life could be different right now even, if I hadn't been so worried.
The thing is, though, at any moment I could have changed this. He would've welcomed me back with open arms if I had asked for him to. But I didn't...not until just a few weeks ago. And although I've been feeling like it's too late for grace, because I won't be here in a week, I know I'm wrong. It's never too late to change your mind when someone who loves you unconditionally is willing to take you back as you are.
A friend asked me what was so special about this particular guy, to which I replied, "We've gone on so many youth trips together that he's gotten the chance to see me at my worst - in the mornings. He knows how grumpy I am then, and he likes me anyways."
Do you see my parallel now? Jesus will always welcome us back into His Kingdom when we have gone astray. There's no working to be better; past regrets don't even matter in His eyes; lame excuses don't phase Him. It doesn't matter how far off-course we have gone in the past, He can still look at us and say, "All of that is behind you now." All God sees is the future - a future in which He wants only the best for His children! Through our flaws and dysfunctions, His love for us is unconditional. How beautiful is that?!
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