In one week, I won't be sitting in this bedroom. The same room that I've slept in nearly every night for my entire life...the same room that I have always proudly called "mine"...the same room with the bright purple paint that's been on the walls since my tenth birthday, almost exactly eight years ago. Nope, not this room. One week from now, I will be sitting in "my" new room...a dorm room at N.C. State University. I'll be sitting there, most likely with tears in my eyes (just like I have now), because my family will have just left me in my new "home" to head back to my old home. This home.
I'm a homebody. And, as I was recently told by a friend, I just happened to have been blessed with the ability to succeed. I know, it's completely possible to be successful in life without a college diploma...but, for me, college somehow just seals the deal. It's the thing that I've worked for my whole high school career.
So tonight, as I sit here worrying about my future, I'm also thinking about my past. Not so much my childhood, but rather the more immediate memories. Mainly from last summer, and my senior year. And these memories lead me to regrets. Not from things I did wrong, but things that I should have done right. Things that perhaps would've made me happier now.
Last summer I became close to a church friend who was two years younger than me. He was funny, entertaining, sweet, caring, and, most importantly to me, he loved the Lord. I'll admit now that back then there were times when his maturity-level dropped, but I attributed it to his age and it never seemed to phase me then. I was attracted to him, but because I was the "mature preacher's daughter" I was too worried about what others might think to ever act on my impulses and do something about my attraction. So I resorted to distractions...for myself, mainly. Other guys, school, homework and lame excuses filled my conversations with him. I thought, he's two years younger than me, so why even bother?
There were nights when my mind swam in circles trying to get over him. And once I finally did, I learned the truth. A couple months later, probably near December, I shared what I'd been hiding for so long - my feelings. And then he shared his...which happened to be identical to mine. He had a girlfriend then, and we were both over it though, so we said. The past was the past, right?
We talked on and off throughout the rest of the school year, but we were never the same kind of close that we used to be. I was graduating, and he still had another two years of school after I left.
A couple weeks ago, though, we talked for the first time since I graduated. I don't know what sparked that conversation (probably my nagging guilt), but I immediately felt regrets for everything that had happened - or rather, not happened between us. I wished all at once that I could re-live the past year...make it include him. My head spun with things I would've done differently:
Gone out to eat with him and his mom at the little restaurant across the railroad tracks from my house, all the times he asked me to go. Tutored him in Algebra 2 when he told me he needed help, knowing that I passed the same class with the same teacher with an A the year before. Stopped and talked to him (and maybe even given him a hug and a kiss!) in between 2nd and 3rd blocks everyday of my last semester instead of walking by without so much as making eye-contact. Picked him up for that swim meet he wanted to go to instead of making excuses. Taken him to prom with me, and actually had a good time there. Gone to all of his baseball games just to support him.
I expressed all of these things to him, and his reply was simple: "All of that's behind us now...we just have the future." I was kind of astonished that he could feel that way, dropping all my regrets so quickly. His maturity-level had gone up significantly since the previous summer, and we both seemed to realize that everything could have been different, had I not been scared of the opinions' of others. So many things in my life could be different right now even, if I hadn't been so worried.
The thing is, though, at any moment I could have changed this. He would've welcomed me back with open arms if I had asked for him to. But I didn't...not until just a few weeks ago. And although I've been feeling like it's too late for grace, because I won't be here in a week, I know I'm wrong. It's never too late to change your mind when someone who loves you unconditionally is willing to take you back as you are.
A friend asked me what was so special about this particular guy, to which I replied, "We've gone on so many youth trips together that he's gotten the chance to see me at my worst - in the mornings. He knows how grumpy I am then, and he likes me anyways."
Do you see my parallel now? Jesus will always welcome us back into His Kingdom when we have gone astray. There's no working to be better; past regrets don't even matter in His eyes; lame excuses don't phase Him. It doesn't matter how far off-course we have gone in the past, He can still look at us and say, "All of that is behind you now." All God sees is the future - a future in which He wants only the best for His children! Through our flaws and dysfunctions, His love for us is unconditional. How beautiful is that?!
No comments:
Post a Comment