It's difficult to dissect the jumble of thoughts and emotions that are running through my head right now. I can tell you that there is uncertainty, question and fear in my mind, all of which are seemingly normal for a person who's about to experience what I am - college. But the one thing I question is whether or not I'm supposed to cry this much.
I've cried myself to sleep three of the last four nights. I've woken up with various degrees of swollen eyes to hide. I even cried for the first time in public at church on Sunday...into my best friend's arms. We shed our tears together. I'm not an overly sensitive person. I cry during sad parts of movies or when I see people whom I'm close to cry. I call myself a sympathetic crier...it makes sense, right?
The college I'm leaving for in less than a week is two hours away from home, and already I feel like I'm packing up my life for good. Just looking at all of the boxes and bags full of stuff - anything from plates to pillows to batteries - makes me sick to my stomach. I can barely make eye-contact with my mom, dad or younger sister anymore for fear that I might start crying, or that they'll be able to see my swollen eyes.
I haven't even left and I miss them already. Especially my baby sister - the pain in my side for so long. We've done basically everything together for the majority of our lives, and as much as we say we dislike each other or can't wait for me to leave, I can't stand to leave her. There are so many things I'm going to miss about her... Our ukulele jam-sessions, telling her to "swim fast and don't be last" before every swim meet, riding home from school with her in the afternoons and talking about our day, all of our inside jokes...heck, I might even miss her snooping into all my business! I hurt inside whenever I try to make these last few days count.
And of course I'm going to miss my parents too. Yes, a little freedom and independence will be nice, but it scares me to think of what I'll do on my own. Forget the laundry, cooking, and fixing broken things - I could do any of that on my own...but it's the simple, everyday contact that I'm going to miss. There's not going to be anyone around in college to eat dinner with me, ask me about my day, or say prayers with me at night. That part scares me.
And as I was writing this just awhile ago with tears rolling down my face, one of the members of my church family came to my door. Which brings me to another part of my life that I can't stand to leave - my church. This friend, who was at the hospital when I was born, just sat down and cried with me. How am I supposed to leave behind such strong relationships like the one I have with her?
In the last few days I have imagined various scenarios in my head. I've thought about trying this whole college thing out for a year, or even a semester, and seeing if I like it enough to continue. I've looked up majors at local colleges, closer to home. I've tried to picture myself in the future, and I've wondered what I really want to do with my life.
Last year this time, I had no idea. About eleven months ago, though, I decided I wanted to pursue architecture, a lifelong love of mine. Now, as I'm about to start school for that particular major, I'm continuing to have second thoughts. I've already been accepted into one of the most challenging and best architecture programs in the nation. Step one, complete. Now I wonder what I can accomplish in life as an architect. I don't want to throw away this dream of mine that I've already worked so hard to achieve, but I can't help but think, what if there's something else out there that I need, rather than want, to be doing?
I've been on several summer mission trips with my church youth group. On most of the occasions after I return home from them, I've been left feeling like I want to do something more. I've gone so far as contemplating working for summers with these mission groups. But while I know there's a great need in local communities here, I've always imagined going to foreign countries to feed a greater, global need. I've envied the various mission teams from my church as they've gone to places like Costa Rica, Argentina and Haiti. I know that going somewhere like that for a longer period of time wouldn't help my close-to-home dilemma, but wouldn't it at least make me feel like I have a purpose? Sharing God's word; working for others in His name; serving communities and providing resources that they might not otherwise receive. That all sounds pretty purposeful to me.
So why can't I do all of that while going to college? I don't know, maybe I can. But at the largest university in my state, and as liberal as it is, I find it hard to believe that it could really fit into my agenda there.
I hate questioning my own decisions when I'm so close to following through with them, but what if I have already ignored God's calling somewhere in my life? What if I was so set on these plans and considered them God's just because they were the only ones I had come up with so far? What if His purpose for me is greater than designing some buildings in a world that is continuing to become more and more critical and liberal in its thinking? Why can't I use my gifts of compassion and creativity in a greater capacity? A capacity that benefits His Kingdom.
Right now, at this point in my life, I've told myself that I have been waiting on God's timing. For awhile, it felt like His timing meshed with mine...and now it doesn't. I feel like God is telling me to wait for something even greater, because He's got something planned.
The problem is, what to do until then...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
- Jeremiah 29:11
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