Torn.

Torn. That is the word that describes my feelings right now. I'm torn between two different feelings, two different lives, and two different paths.

Some days, I feel free and excited about the future. That's usually when I'm out and about, surrounded by people. I spend most of those times relying on others to make me happy... But then there are other days (and nights), when I feel alone and all I want to do is go home. When I'm alone, that's when I become confused. Those are the times that I worry, and I contemplate, and I talk to God...and sometimes to anyone else who will listen to me.

Normally, I enjoy my alone-time. When I'm at home, in fact, I covet it. I like to use my time to write in my prayer journal (or blog!), read my bible, and sometimes even talk to God. I never feel alone whenever I'm alone at home. I know, it makes no sense, but it's true.

Some days, I enjoy the people who are around me here at school. I guess it's partially because I don't want to feel alone. I spend all of my time with people so that I don't have to spend it by myself. "Don't isolate yourself," people tell me...so I try to listen to their advice. And then other days I spend my time thinking about who reminds me of someone back home, or how much I miss my dad's laugh, or my mom's cooking, or my "best friend time."

I understand and realize that things can't always stay the same. But that doesn't mean I have to leave, does it?

Some days, I want to be an architect, just because it's the plan that I've had for the last year. It's the plan that I prayed about, worked for, and waited to realize for so long. It's that path that will be more enjoyable for me in school. It's the safe path. It's the path that, when completed, will grant me a comfortable and stable financial future. And yet other days, I want to jump out on a leap of faith and take the path that's filled with bumps and risks galore. I want to go to business school, bore myself through classes that aren't really my cup of tea (but will benefit me in the long run), and become an entrepreneur--something else I'm fairly confident I could be if I had all of the right means, resources and people on my side. I want to be a baker...I don't care about making lots of money or the long hours I know it would require...I just want to do something that I know I love--something that takes all my stress away--for the rest of my life.

So, here is my question...which path do I take? I can't say for sure right now, mainly because I haven't heard from my primary decision-maker yet. But this is basically my plea to him...
  
   "I'm feeling terrible—I couldn't feel worse!
      Get me on my feet again. You promised, remember?
   When I told my story, you responded;
      train me well in your deep wisdom.
   Help me understand these things inside and out
      so I can ponder your miracle-wonders.
   My sad life's dilapidated, a falling-down barn;
      build me up again by your Word.
   Barricade the road that goes Nowhere;
      grace me with your clear revelation.
   I choose the true road to Somewhere,
      I post your road signs at every curve and corner.
   I grasp and cling to whatever you tell me;
      God, don't let me down!
   I'll run the course you lay out for me
      if you'll just show me how."
- Psalm 119:25-32 (MSG)

I'm asking my God to show me the way...and I'm assuring him and everyone around me that I won't hesitate to accept whatever his plan is for my life.

That doesn't mean I'm giving up on what I've accomplished thus far--because I'm not. But I'm testing the waters, and making my way down my current path, with the knowledge that there could be detours along it.