Last night, I watched the movie God's Not Dead. If you haven't seen it, I strongly recommend it. It reminds us of the persecution, even in our own happy little Bible-belt, that we, as Christians, are facing and will continue to face in the future. To summarize it in a nutshell, a college student who refuses to admit "God is dead" to his atheist professor seeks to prove to his class that God is indeed alive and working today. His professor is harsh, to say the least, and when it comes down to it, he hates God - for taking his mother, a faithful Christ-follower battling cancer, away from him.

The professor is angry, and, in my opinion, he has every right to be. It's so hard to see "the big picture" when things go wrong in our lives. It's even harder to see it when faithful Christ-followers lose it all.

My heart and mind have been flooded with emotions here lately after seeing just that. I take that back - my heart is an emotional mess, but my head refuses to let the emotions in, because letting them in would force me to admit that I am weak. (Makes sense, right?)

My heart is aching, and for what feels like the first time in my life, I'm angry with God, too. I'm angry because, for the fourth time in just over two years, a couple of my dearest friends has lost a child. In their quest to build a family, I don't understand how God could cause miscarriages and losses so many times. I don't understand why they won't be allowed to meet their four little ones until they go to be with God in Heaven.

"How could You do this to them over and over again?"

"Did You not see the pain it caused them the last time?"

"Why won't You answer the prayers of so many of Your people?"

"They're so faithful."

I've cried out in vain. I've yelled at my Father. My little mind just can't comprehend why He would take two people who love Him so and let them hurt so badly. Why does He seem to ignore the cries of His children, of their families, of an entire church family?

I can't understand it. I probably never will. But of this I am convinced, He has a plan. He has a plan to glorify Himself, and through the pain and breaking of hearts, that's just what my dear friends have done. When they could have yelled and turned their backs on Him, they have instead remained faithful. And everything in me believes that they will one day be blessed for their faithfulness.

I think of Abraham and Sarah... In a Beth Moore Bible study I took part in last summer, I was challenged to read Romans 4. Why this passage? To better understand the message of the Bible study, and to know that:

1. God is who He says He is.

2. God can do what He says He can do.

3. I am who God says I am.

4. I can do all things through Christ.

5. God's Word is alive and active in me.

Since then, when I don't know where to go in my Bible reading, I turn to this passage - for no particular reason but to better understand it.

Verses 18-21 say:

"Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, "So shall your offspring be." Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead - since he was about a hundred years old - and that Sarah's womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised."

Now I'm not saying that my friends are the next Abraham and Sarah... But what I am saying is that God wants His children to be faithful to Him, and He blesses those who are! Even wavering in faith - and, I would imagine, yelling at God - hurt Him. But He promises to provide for His children when they trust in that promise.

God allowed sin and pain into this world with the intention of one day removing it from us. He only asks that we be faithful to Him until that time comes.

Without fear of the future...

While meditating in the shower tonight (because let's face it, when life gets as hectic as mine has been here lately, the shower is one of the places where the prayers go up and the tears flow down), I couldn't help but think about the fearlessness of a dear friend of mine. She's been through everything - most of which has occurred in the last week alone - that a twenty-something year old woman shouldn't have to go through in her short lifetime. But when I look at her, all I see is a brave and smiling face.

The verse at the top of this page - the "theme" for my blog - Proverbs 31:25 says,

"She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." (NIV)

While I find this translation fitting for my blog, another translation uses the word fear, and I think it greatly describes my friend:

"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." (NLT)

When I look at this translation, all I can think is Wow. I can't laugh without fear when times get rough. I am not fearless. I'm not even brave! I'd like to think I am, but wow, look at her. Look at my mentor and sister-figure. Now she is fearless.

Looking at her, seeing her laugh through loss and pain, grieving in her own incredible way, I wish to myself that I could be like that. That I could smile in the tough times. That I could put on a brave face and move on instead of dwelling on the misery at hand. That I could live with the mentality of strong people like her and Anne Frank, who said,

"I don't think of all the misery, but of the beauty that still remains."

You see, people like my friend and Anne Frank have seen pain unlike any I have yet to see. But their optimism gives me, and so many others, encouragement. They are wise beyond their years, and while I like to think it's a "personality" thing, that I couldn't be that way because I'm too introverted, or I'm too emotional, I realize that it's not.

I realize that their fearlessness doesn't come from their strong-willed, optimistic personalities. No, it comes from the One who takes our fears away and places them on His shoulders. Fearlessness comes from God. He says so Himself, over and over again.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
- Joshua 1:9 (NIV)

If that's not enough of a reminder to be brave right there, open up your Bible. God is constantly telling us to "fear not." He is God, He is good, and when we find our strength in Him, He makes us brave.

I'm not fearless. I have fears about everything from a presentation in class to a cake falling apart while I'm making it to my future plans. But at the end of the day, when I put my fears on my Savior's shoulders and feel my burden get so much lighter, I can finally laugh without fear of the future. I can see past the pain and "why did this have to happen"'s of this world and understand why I have been blessed with yet another day on this earth - to bring glory to God and to advance His kingdom.

The future, peace, a mission-field, & other fun stuff...

I know, it's been awhile.

I'm probably going to go on a million different tangents in this post, but I promise, just like my crazy, hectic life, it will all somehow come together. Maybe not immediately, but I beg you to bear with me and see the meaning in the mess.

I write this post as I sit on my bedroom floor putting together Ikea furniture for my new apartment. This is the apartment I've looked forward to for years; the one I've spent all summer decorating and crafting for; the one I'll be living in with three of my best friends. Yes, I am excited. But now that the time has come to move in and start a new year of school, I'm being flooded with the nerves and fears that have accompanied nearly every new experience in my life thus far. These are the anxieties that come with the future.

The future has loomed in front of me for my entire life. Usually, it looks bright and inviting. And then, every now and then, it hangs heavily in my face and taunts my every move. It reminds me just how daunting and unclear it can be. And that's when the fear kicks in.

Whenever someone asks about my college major nowadays, my standard reply is, "I'm in business administration, but I really don't know what I want to do with that." That's pretty pitiful for someone who's halfway through their college career, wouldn't you say? I see how happy and at peace my friends are in their majors, and I want that. I want to be excited, rather than anxious, about what I'm doing and where my future is headed, but it's hard to be when I can't see it.

I've always dreamed of stepping out of my comfort zone, but I've been too afraid to try it. Sometimes I wonder if that's what it would take. I wonder if N.C. State University - if North Carolina, if the southeast - just isn't the end all and be all of my mission field. I want to be brave enough to step out of the safe bubble I've slowly established for myself and try something entirely different, and still have peace about it.

I'm reminded of this whenever I meet people like Joseph, our server during the cruise my family took last week. Joseph is someone I can't get out of my head for some reason or another. (To be honest, I don't think anyone else in my family can either. As I write this, my mom is on the phone telling the story I'm about to share for the umpteenth time!) He's a young man, probably not much older than me, from India. As my family got to know him each night of our cruise, we came to enjoy his presence. He would laugh along with whatever wisecrack my dad came up with, grin with anticipation whenever my picky-eater of a sister ordered her meal each night, and most importantly, he would treat us with a kindness that wasn't just in the I'm-your-server-and-I-have-to-because-I-really-want-a-big-tip kind of way (and no, I will not be convinced that he acted this way just because he worked for Disney!). After seeing the movie Million Dollar Arm (a true story about two kids from India who get a shot at playing baseball in the U.S.) while onboard our ship, we talked to Joseph about it and more about his country. We assumed Joseph was Hindu, like the characters in the movie and most Indians, yet at the same time, we all agreed that there was something different about him. The last night of our cruise, we found out that Joseph was a Christian, the nephew of an evangelical pastor in India. He was raised in a Christian family and church, where he played the guitar for worship (they played Hillsong songs, believe it or not!). After rejoicing over meeting a fellow Christian and telling Joseph that my dad was a pastor, we asked him if it was difficult to be a Christian working in the cruise industry, where he works long days in close quarters to others with very little time off. He said yes, but the Lord gives him strength in his huge mission field.

Long story short, I love Joseph's faith. I don't know how he ended up where he is or what circumstances brought him there, but deep down in my gut, I want what he has. I want to get out of my bubble and be a light in an extremely dark place.

When we left Joseph his tip at the end of the week, we also left a note with Acts 26:17-18 written at the end of it. This is a verse my dad considers to be his own personal "life verse," and I couldn't think of a better verse to describe Joseph's mission-field.

"…I am sending you to them to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me."

Whenever I think about Joseph, and I think about my own future, I wonder if maybe my career and my mission-field could mix. For several years now I've been wanting to go on a short-term international mission trip…but why should it stop there? Maybe, just maybe, leaving my bubble behind is the answer, at least while I'm young and have the chance.

This quote isn't really relevant to this post (yet another of my endless tangents!), but I found it ironic that it was on the page of my prayer journal that I wrote out Joseph's story on. The irony is in the author, who just happens to be a late-nineteenth/early-eighteenth century Christian missionary from India (whom I had never heard of before until I saw this quote).

"In comparison with this big world, the human heart is only a small thing. Though the world is so large, it is utterly unable to satisfy this tiny heart. Our ever-growing soul and its capacities can be satisfied only in the infinite God. As water is restless until it reaches its level, so the soul has no peace until it rests in God."
- Sadhu Sundar Singh

This quote reminds me that I can only find peace (about my future, in particular) in God. Constantly asking His guidance is one way to find that peace. Accepting His guidance and doing His will is something much more difficult, but far more rewarding. That is where I feel God stretching my faith and pulling me out of my bubble, away from my safety net. And, oddly enough, I'm at peace with it.

Fear is not an option

So once upon a time, this pretty little verse played on repeat in my head. (And no, I'm not talking about during the multiple Lifeway VBS's - which used this scripture as their memory verse - I helped with over the summer, although I'm sure it did then too!) It was during one of the toughest talks I've had with a "friend" in my entire life. And as much as I wanted to blurt it out to my friend the moment it popped into my head, it wasn't meant for him. It was meant for me, and it was as if God was saying, "stop worrying, I'm holding you no matter what the results of this conversation."

My conversation seems petty compared to the fears of others, though. One, in particular, sheds a different light on God's Word.

This image - the "pretty," Pinterest-esque poster - came from one of my Mom's best friends. Her name was Wanda, and at the time that she shared this on her Facebook wall, she was battling cancer. It was a fight that here recently most would say she lost, but I believe she won victoriously. Just last week, she went Home to a place I cannot wait to be. Through her nine year fight, though, she never feared. Not once did she say "I can't do this." Through it all, she took to heart what God says in this verse. She believed and accepted the power, love and sound mind that God gave her, and she boldly chose to live it out rather than fear.

For the longest time, I stowed this particular passage away in my head. It had power in the moment in which I needed it and spoke strongly for Wanda's situation - and that seemed to be enough for me. But here lately I'm finding that like every other verse of God's Word, this is meant to be lived by on a daily basis. It's good, solid advice about something that we do all too often - fear.

I've experienced fear in a variety of ways, just like, I'm sure, we all have.

When I was a little girl, I feared sleeping in my bed at night. I could imagine the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz creeping under my bed, and she scared me! At one of my VBS's from the summer, I recall asking my 3rd- and 4th-graders what they feared. One jokingly said, "my mom!" Although he meant it in a funny way, the fear of verbal or physical abuse from a parent could be a legitimate fear for a child.

Once we grow up, our fears change. Suddenly, we fear the future and, more specifically, our lack of control of it. We fear for ourselves and for others. Our fears become similar to Wanda's (or rather, what the world thinks those should be for a person in her situation). We fear for the people we know and love now, and even for the unborn people in our lives - our future children and families.

"The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father.""
- Romans 8:15

God reminds us, though, in this, that He holds the lives of those people as well. He is not only our Father, and our Husband, but also our son's Father, and our granddaughter's Husband. When He saves us, He takes us out of our slavery to sin (and with that, fear), and He adopts all who believe as His own children. He goes before us and He will remain long after us. He takes our fear and turns it into faith.

God does this by giving us a peace of mind and reminding us that He knows what He's doing, even when we don't. His wisdom is greater than ours on so many levels! Yet, He wants to give us wisdom and understanding so that we will resist fear and put our faith in Him.

"And the Spirit of the Lord shall rest upon him, the Spirit of wisdom and understanding, the Spirit of counsel and might, the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the Lord."
- Isaiah 11:2

When He gives us this wisdom, we can develop a faith like Wanda's. Though I never said how strong her faith was, I'm sure you can imagine that someone who disregards fear in the face of cancer must have a pretty unwavering faith. God gave her wisdom and understanding when her faith was challenged most. Just like she was, we are taught that fear is not an option.

I love how God not only takes away our fears, but He also proclaims that we are above them! He tells us that He has given us power, love and a sound mind. He tells us this, and He proves it to us by giving us faith.

When I grow up...

Sometimes, I wish I had been one of those kids who knew all along what they wanted to be when they grew up, and then followed through with that plan. When I was young, I was told that the possibilities were endless...a teacher, a doctor, a nurse, a firefighter, a police officer, even the President - any person who had impacted my life.

Some kids grow up believing they want to be just like one of these people, because they have been directly influenced by them. But I realize now that if that were the case for us all, then our world would be full of the people we perceive to be influential. (Not that these people are bad by any means; they have devoted their lives to countless aspects of service, and our world wouldn't be the same without them in it.) However, if we all thought that way, then we would neglect the people who have never influenced us personally, but instead influence the rest of the world.

These people are the ones who serve those who don't have teachers, doctors or police officers... They go outside of their comfortable, first-world lives to give of themselves in ways that we may never see, but in ways that will most certainly impact the world.

So that's what I want to be when I grow up: Someone who is not concerned with time or ownership... Someone who doesn't have a set plan, because I'm too busy letting the Lord be my guide... Someone who doesn't mind (and is even ready and willing) to give up my comfortable life and my idea of needs in order to fulfill someone else's actual needs, both physically and spiritually.

When I grow up, I don't want to be the kind of person who makes an impact on the here and now, but rather the there and future. I don't need to be perceived as influential by anyone but the One I am serving.

This is what - or rather, who - I want to be when I grow up.

"The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand."


- Psalm 37:23-24 (NLT)

You lead, I'll drag my feet...

This morning in church, I was reminded yet again how weak and inadequate I am. The worship leader read scripture from Exodus, describing the Israelites' complaints as Moses led them out of slavery in Egypt.

It's funny to think, really, that the Israelites would be complaining about gaining freedom. It doesn't make complete sense; yet, under the circumstances, we can begin to understand why...

"When Pharaoh drew near, the people of Israel lifted up their eyes, and behold, the Egyptians were marching after them, and they feared greatly. And the people of Israel cried out to the Lord. They said to Moses, "Is it because there are no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us in bringing us out of Egypt? Is not this what we said to you in Egypt: 'Leave us alone that we may serve the Egyptians'? For it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness."
- Exodus 14:10-12 (ESV)

Alright, so the people didn't want to die in an unknown land. They would rather be slaves in a known land for the rest of their lives than journey into the unknown. They wanted to stick with the known, as horrible as it was, instead of allow the Lord lead through Moses. So look at Moses' reply to them...

"And Moses said to the people, "Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again. The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.""
- Exodus 14:13 & 14 (ESV)

In all of their fears, God was in control. He didn't need their help...He didn't need them to drag their feet...He just wanted them to be silent. Although they couldn't see the unknown, God could, and He wanted them to find freedom in Him. Right after this, God let them catch a glimpse of that freedom - He parted the Red Sea, and His glory was made known to the Israelites.

They didn't have to trust Him, but they did. The chapter goes on to read:

"Israel saw the great power that the Lord used against the Egyptians, so the people feared the Lord, and they believed in the Lord and in his servant Moses."
- Exodus 14:31 (ESV)

So imagine this...the image of a father, patiently holding the hand of a small child. The child is tugging the dad's hand here, there and everywhere - anywhere but the direction her dad is leading - while dragging her feet at the same time. This is the image that came to my mind this morning in church: my Daddy, leading me His way as I continue to pull against Him.

When this came to me, it was such a powerful picture...because I realized how true it was.

I know deep down in my heart that His way is the right way. I just continue to get distracted by the things the world tells us are important. I get distracted by what I want and forget that He knows the path so much better than I do.

In a world that strives to be like the Egyptians, we have to be like the Israelites. Not the Israelites who weren't sure of God's power and control, but the Israelites who saw God's power and believed in Him.

We are Israel. We are hopeless to the things of this world, yet we have been given an everlasting hope in the Lord. We are children, in need of the guidance and leadership of our Father. We can't see the whole path, yet we don't have to, because our Daddy is leading us down it. We are an imperfect people, forgiven and loved by a forever PERFECT God.

A Slap in the Face

Every once in awhile, you need a good slap in the face. 

Not literally (although it may not be such a bad idea!), but figuratively. It can come in the form of a person telling you something you don't want to hear, or through the realization that everything you wanted to happen is not, in fact, happening.

For me, though, it came straight from God. My Father, my Husband, the giver of all that I have, my Savior and Redeemer, slapped me in the face today. He reminded me that I am controlling, and even more than that, I am manipulative. How's that for a slap in the face?!

Let me explain... Nowadays, more than ever, I am constantly seeking Him, which is a great and glorious thing. But whenever I seek Him, I seek the things that I want to seek. I ask Him to provide for me in ways that will help me rather than hurt me. I try to manipulate His plan and form it into something that I want. I forget that I am not the leader, but He is. I forget that sometimes He has to bring me to my knees before He can pull me up to stand. I forget that many times He has to carry me, like a child, until I can walk in His way.

In the last few weeks, my Daddy has shown me that. He's reminded me that while I think I have it all together - while I'm spending so much time writing in my prayer journal, digging into my Bible, staying involved in church and campus ministries - I really do not. He has reminded me that I am weak, and I am in need of carrying. And He is constantly reminding me that I am incompetent of staying one step ahead of Him, or even walking beside Him, for that matter. 

"Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God."

- 2 Corinthians 3:5

Obviously, I'm not capable of leading myself and relying on His plan at the same time. It's impossible for anyone to be. So this is where we must make a choice. 

Do we maintain control and constantly burden ourselves until we physically can't handle any more? Do we keep pushing for our idea of perfection until one of two things happen: we receive it, or we are overwhelmed trying to achieve it?

Or do we lay everything - our time, our possessions, our plans, our dreams, our lives - at the foot of the cross and entrust it all to God? Do we put our competence in Him, and believe without a doubt that He will provide not what we want, but what we need?

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

- Ephesians 3:20-21

You see, whenever you're not too busy trying to manipulate God's plans (like me!), He is patiently waiting for you to let Him into your life. Not only is He willing to take control, but He wants to take control! He wants to carry His children, so that we will admit our weakness and admire His strength.

And, sometimes, a slap in the face is the only way to make us see that our approach is all wrong.